It’s been a while since I posted, I’ve been pretty busy since I started at my new job. I always thought once I started working I’d feel more complete, getting my drivers license and work has been my 2 major goals for a long time. I haven’t got my license yet, my anxieties, fears and driving phobia has been too much for me, so I’ve focused my attention on getting into work. I was so excited when I was accepted into the job! I’ve always, for as long as I can remember, had this deep seated sense of low self worth, it’s never gone away and it’s always there in the background of my mind. I thought once I started working that low self worth would go away, but it hasn’t, in fact, it’s deepened!

I’m trying my absolute hardest to learn the new routines, and what to do and how to deal with certain situations as they arise. And even though my Supervisor says I’m doing fantastic I still feel like the most worthless piece of shit on the planet, I’ve felt bad for my workplace for having someone like me on their staff, I’ve felt like I’m pathetic, and disgusting, and should crawl back into my hole and die and not burden the planet with my existence anymore. (Not in a Suicide Idealization way, but just feeling like I need to desperately withdraw due to my low self-esteem and low self-worth).

I don’t know if this is apart of my BPD or if it’s a co-morbid Avoidant Personality Disorder, I suspect I may have that and will be getting assessed for it as soon as I can.

I remember when I use to make jewellery as a hobby and sell it on Etsy, if someone made a similar necklace it would be worth $50, but when I listed mine, I’d do it for $10, all because in my heart, I felt like it was worth way less simply because it came from ME, therefore it’s lost a lot of its worth. And now I’m finding myself feeling like I don’t deserve to paid for my job because no matter how well I do, I still don’t deserve it and am not worth it.

This devastatingly lack of self-worth has robbed a lot from me in my life, I don’t want to keep living like this.

I’m hoping with enough time and experience my self-worth will get better, I just need to keep on keeping on. It’s SO important that when we get these thoughts and feelings telling us we’re nothing, we’re nobody and we’re worthless that we get back up, and keep pushing through, with enough time it WILL pass, we just need to give it a chance and not quit before we can make that breakthrough progress.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”

Sharon Salzberg